A male survivor has bravely emailed his story for the website

  

Here goes.
 At a very early age from far back as being a baby my blood Farther beat me regularly whenever the mood tuck, My mother turned a blind eye ( frightened maybe) at my age of 3 or 4 years old my blood farther left the house for a pint of milk only never to return. Sometime later an older made came into our family life and sexually abused me for many years from an early age, unknown to my mother. When my mother found out I was 12 or 13 years old and that relationship came to a end, the abuser left the house.
Some years later another man came into our life's whom tuck us out for meals, day trips to the country, holidays in the summer. It was very nice to see my mum enjoying her life also my sister running around free and laughing. Me personally struggled as this new man in our life's did not show me the affection the abuser had so felt very sad and rejected, I know now that this is not the case at all. This man is now our step farther and has been for 25 years, I changed my sir name to his sir name as I see him as my farther and did not want to carry my blood farther name on to a next generation.
 
 
In the year 2000 I had a massive breakdown witch left me in hospital, Doctors gave me many different types of medication for depression, which left me in more of a mess, I weaned myself of the medication after two years and decided to try an make a new start on my own. All was good and still is good. Just sometimes Life seems to get me down, there's a contracts manager on the building site I,ve been working on over the past two years whom has just been acting a little strange towards me , as he's been talking at me in a girly and gay manner witch has set a few other lads of laughing ( I must have done something in the past few weeks to have made him act this way and as it's starting to get to me I think I'm adding fuel to there fire ). With all that's been happening this year it's got me down a little, I have been to the doctors and told them all that's been happening up to date, told them all my worries and I,ve been feeling close to the edge, The doctors have gave medication to which I have taken one and felt really ill indeed so thrown them in the bin, also doctors have forwarded me on back to psychology as doctor thinks that the building site has triggered me to be having flash back's which is leading to panic attacks.
 
 I have taken many drugs in the past also drank much alcohol to blank out the bad dreams , the flashbacks, the feeling guilty that all the above happened as I was a bad child, feeling guilty my sister was abused, guilty ashamed and to blame as I felt I'd introduced  the abuser into our house ( aged about 5 years old at the time ).
 
Still struggling to trust people, feeling lost , avoiding many family events at any cost, hiding in the dark, no confidance , feeling tired all the time , mentally drained because my mind is constantly trying to work through a thick grey cloud of nonsense, flashbacks, trying to work out what is a threat, and what is safe.
 
I'm a 40 year old male, in a relationship with a great woman whom is understanding, levelheaded, she show's me the paths in life to take doesn't tell me what paths to take. 
 
I would like to write in detail of my past but scared .
 
many thanks for taking the time to read just the basic outsides of my journey.

John